Chitty Chats with Stacy

Hey friends.

Welcome back to Chi Chats with Stacy.

This week we are doing listener questions
and I have a very special question from

a wonderful listener named Alexandra.

She.

Has a great question that I think
will really land with many of you.

So she said, I would love to hear you
speak about navigating life as someone who

is childless, not by choice, especially
from the perspective of being an educator.

How do you process the ongoing grief and
unexpected triggers while working in an

environment centered around children?

And how can you regulate your
emotions while still showing up fully?

For your students.

Ah, Alexandra, thank you
for a beautiful question.

So let's just sit with that.

There's lots of pieces to it.

So the first piece I think you're
already speaking to, which is the grief.

When you are childless, not by choice.

There's so many pieces of
grief that go with that.

There's the pieces of grief around
the life you wanted to have, the

life you thought you were gonna
have, the child you might have had.

There might be grief around miscarriages
or IVF treatment that didn't work, or

being on an adoption waiting list for
a long time and not getting chosen.

There's so many pieces about
grief and the thing about this.

Specific grief is, it's
a living grief, right?

There are things that happen in our life
that maybe we can grief, and we have

a little bit of closure around that.

This is a living grief that comes
up, and it's important that we look

at the stress cycle of that grief.

So when we talk about feeling
our feelings, noticing our body,

responding to triggers, and we're
talking about this very real personal.

Experience that someone is having
that involves this very deep grief.

I really encourage people to get
really clear on where that grief

lives in your body when it shows up.

So sitting with your body, taking deep
breath, closing your eyes, feeling

the grief in your physiology, and.

Does it have a shape?

Does it have a color?

Does it have a size?

Does it have a weight?

Does it have a smell?

Does it have a texture?

Going through this exercise of getting
that visceral experience of where that

grief lives in your body and getting a
visual of that, so that's one part of it.

The next part is using bilateral tapping,
bilateral movement, bilateral music in

your earbud, your earbuds, or EarPods.

To process and digest the
overwhelming weight of that grief.

That doesn't mean it's going to go away,
but it does take the sting out of it a

little bit so it feels more manageable.

So getting the visual experience of
it, where does it live in your body?

Sitting with it, with that bilateral music
and that bilateral movement to digest the

heavy and the weightiness of it, and then
asking your body, how can this live inside

of me without it wrecking me every day?

And really sit with that.

Really sit with that question.

This is not a, just hurry
up and figure it out.

This is an ongoing question.

And then as the triggers arise at
and with your students there's a few

things I want you to get curious about.

One, how come you're choosing
to work with students?

I think getting clear about
that is really important.

Are you working with students because
you've always wanted to work with

kids and it's your career, and you
chose that before you found out

you were going to be childless?

Are you working with
kids to fill that gap?

There's no judgment in what the answer is.

I just want you to be clear
about what the answer is.

And then once you work through
those answers, there's also the

layer of, is this healthy for me?

Is it really still good for
me to be in this environment?

And for some, the answer
is absolutely yes.

I can do this.

I can be in this work.

I can stay regulated.

I can navigate and manage and move
through that living grief in a way

that I can still show up for kids.

We never want kids to be responsible for
our emotional regulation, and so that's an

important part of this conversation and.

I don't think that's happening in this
question in any way, shape, or form.

I just want people to be aware of
that and there may come a time that it

doesn't make sense to work with kids.

Depending on where you are
in that grieving process.

It might mean taking a pause and coming
back, or it might be working in a

different environment or going part-time.

Instead of full-time or subbing,
those, there's a lot of ways

to navigate those pieces.

So I really think sitting with it in
the grief of it is really important.

If we don't acknowledge that the
grief is there, it's like having

a rock in your shoe, right?

You can avoid it and go through it
and tolerate it, but over time it's

gonna wear you down and it's gonna wear
you out and really become a piece of.

It's gonna make you become
somebody you're not.

And like most big feelings, I, when we
talk about them, there's a sitting with

it, digesting it, acknowledging it,
releasing it, and also living with it.

There's different types of
grief that become a part of us.

Death of a parent that can become a
part of us, depending on what your

relationship was with your parent.

Not being able to have children.

That's a big grief.

For those of us who are in the
world of parental alienation,

that's a living grief.

There's.

Pieces of grief that become
a part of who we are.

They're like scars.

And what I tell people is we
want them to be like scars,

not open wounds all the time.

So I really want you to sit with
your body, which also might be

difficult to do because our.

Body is what is resisting this
childless component, right?

When we struggle with getting pregnant,
when we cannot conceive, when we

have these issues with our body,
creating an environment for our kiddo,

we, we carry the weight of that.

And so I really want to speak
to, in the most human way that.

You're loved, you are worthy.

You don't have to have
children to work with children.

I think that's really important
actually for us to say, and I

don't think we say that enough.

I think there's this unspoken
piece that comes up, especially

when you work with children about.

Being a parent and
understanding kids better.

And I know I've been guilty
of that also, so I just want

to be really clear about that.

That if I've caused pain in any
way, I'm very sorry and you don't

have to have children to work with
children there's lots of value

that you add and I want you to.

Really think about the value you add.

What are the strengths that
you bring to the table?

Maybe you're more regulated than some
of the adults who do have children

who are navigating their own emotional
dysregulation pieces at home.

Don't underestimate that the never
underestimate the impact that you

have on other people, and thank
you from the bottom of my heart

for this very vulnerable question.

It's a very important question, I
think for those of us who are in the

child field and work with children.

And then Alexandra leaves us with
this piece where I say, what is

something you wish you better,
wish people better understood

about stress, trauma, or behavior?

And she said, I wish people
better understood that stress and

trauma responses are not choices.

They're physiological behavior is often
the body trying to protect itself.

It's not a reflection of character intent.

When we shift from judgment to
understanding everything changes.

Beautiful.

That's a beautiful statement,
Alexandra, and I'm glad you

shared that because you're right.

Stress and trauma responses are
physiological responses created in

a very primal part of our brain.

They're cho, they're not choices
that are cognitively intentional.

They are reactions that our body has
created over millions of data points

throughout our life that really
are helping our brain to process.

Is this situation safe or is this danger?

And sometimes safe spaces feel dangerous
because of the data that is in those

spaces, and I really love how you
say when we shift from judgment to

understanding that makes a difference.

And what I would add to that is
when we shift from judgment to

understanding, and then we shift from
understanding to empathy, and then we

shift from empathy to compassion, we
are in a completely different system.

Then the beginning of that judgment piece.

So huge shout out to you, Alexandra.

Thank you so much for your question.

For those of you who might have
other questions, you're listening

to this, you want me to answer
them on the podcast, please drop

me your question at stacy@gobu.org.

I'm excited to answer some
more listener questions.

Have a great day.