Chitty Chats with Stacy

Marcel Hernandez
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​[00:00:00]

Hi. Hello. How are you? I'm so excited to have this chitty chat with

you. It's been a minute, hasn't it?

It's been a minute. Thanks for, thanks for joining me, friends. I have my, my dear spirited friend that I get to connect with every once a year, maybe, since we've met. Uh, Marcel Hernandez. from Nashville, Tennessee, right?

Uh, originally from Texas, uh, always, always Texan, but, uh, have been in Nashville for close to 25 years,

so. Well, thanks for coming on this beautiful podcast with me. Uh, I am excited to chat with you today for a lot of reasons. Marcel came into my life through the Trauma Informed Educator Network conference, and I just feel so Blessed that we got to connect because it was kind [00:01:00] of a random connection.

I think

it was I was able to join your session last minute, um, and very much enjoyed it. There was standing room only. Uh, I remember that.

Yeah, it was sort of a wild group. So, uh, I, as you know, I invited you on because I have invited I'm inviting guests. Who can contribute to brain development, mental health, trauma, who have some skin in the game.

And so, I want to talk a little bit about who you are and what you do, and then we're going to talk about why you do it.

Sure, that sounds

great. Yeah, so who are you? What

do you do? So, I am, um, Texan, like I said, first and foremost. Um, I, um, am a father, uh, of two young boys, seven and four. I'm a husband to my wife, Lindsay, and we, uh, have a home here in Nashville, and I work with, um, youth and families in a couple different capacities.

One is, uh, Justice Involved [00:02:00] Youth, uh, through an organization called BeAboutChange that I founded in 2016. Uh, really heavy on programming and relationship building. And I'm also development director for an organization called Tucker's House. And we provide home modifications for families who have children with disabilities.

And I am a lover of human beings and, uh, love to see, uh, bear witness to, to human beings on their journey and, uh, try to learn what I can along the way as stubborn as I can be. Uh, so by default, I think it makes me a slow learner. But, um, but we, we persist nonetheless.

It's funny you say stubborn because all the stubborn people I know are passionate and stubborn people make change.

They get things done. And so I want to talk about both those lenses. I want to talk about the first one be about change. Did I say that correctly? Yes. Yes. Okay. Let's talk. How did that get started? [00:03:00] Where did that come from? How did you get that off the ground? Because juvenile justice stuff is. It's it's own lane.

Right? A little complicated. Yeah. So I got the idea in 2015. I was about a year into sobriety. Uh, I got sober in October of 2014 and hit kind of a, a wall, so to speak, um, psychologically and, um, do a series of kind of. Uh, short term events, uh, ran a half marathon, was writing for a local newspaper, and, uh, had some conflicts there, and, um, created the website, BeAboutChange.

org, where I started with writing, because I had, uh, an article that was rejected by the local newspaper, and, uh, being an artist, you know, I got butthurt, and, uh, you know, just, Rather than wallow, I decided to start kind of self publishing, and that quickly grew into higher education scholarships, programming in high schools, [00:04:00] and then ultimately monthly workshops at the juvenile court, and then the longer term relationship, which allowed for us to start with eight week programs.

And now we have two main programs, Project LEAD, which is a leadership program for about 12 to 18 year olds, and Reading Success, which is a literacy program for kindergarten and first grade. And, um, I've learned a ton along the way, of course, and some things that I might not have even anticipated when I first started, and officially founded the 501c3 in 2016, January 2016.

This is

great. So, I, it leads me down to the question of why. Right? People who are passionate about working with juveniles, teenagers in that work, I just wonder, I'm curious, Marcel, if there's a why in your own history of how you landed there. Talk about sobriety, you talk about these different pieces of your own life.

Why this group

of people? When I was in [00:05:00] fourth or fifth grade, I was hanging out with some friends. I lived across the street from my elementary school, and we were just, you know, hanging out, playing in the schoolyard. And one of my friends, uh, came up and he was crying, and he had said that one of, uh, this kid that we knew in sixth grade had gotten shot and killed down the street, at his home, and That, that event was basically the first time I had seen violence, uh, kind of close in my, my closer circle.

And then when I was in high school, that same friend who delivered the news was himself killed. I was probably a sophomore, junior, and my girlfriend at the time delivered the news on a Saturday. Uh, we were headed to a football game and that hit me pretty hard. And I'd known him since second grade. And then later on, uh, another kid that I knew since kindergarten, this would have been probably 2002 or so.

Uh, was killed as well. And a lot of the, um, I guess conditions, uh, at, at, in those three events, uh, were, were conditions that, [00:06:00] that you might see. Now, uh, in juvenile justice, uh, in poverty and all these different, um, kind of environments and circumstances, and that was always in the back of my mind is the powerlessness that I felt then and how that ultimately led me to want to try to make a difference, uh, with individuals that seemed like, uh, my friends.

In childhood, but in the here and now, and, uh, 1 friend in particular that I grew up with that still still talk with former board member of be about change. He had encouraged me pretty early on after founding the organization to go down to the juvenile court because he knew I had kind of an affinity for, uh.

Uh, participating in these workshops and he, he said, Hey, there's a lot of work to be done there. I think you'll find that when you, when you go introduce yourself and that's what I ultimately did. And, and just, you know, haven't looked back and have built a ton of great relationships with the Nashville juvenile court, uh, the leadership, probation officers, court [00:07:00] administrators, and just the team that, um, that, that is very, uh, invested from a, uh, of course, relationships standpoint, but also from a, just a heart.

Perspective, I guess you could say, and just similar folks that have maybe similar stories or similar experiences that has led them in kind of our common space to ideally impart what we know, but also learn from the youth participants on what they need in 2024, which is not so different from the 1990s, but there are obviously some differences.

So many questions. One question, what do youth need? What are you finding youth need in

2024? The same thing that we as adults need, and I think that is, uh, strong, lasting relationships of support. And I find even in my peer [00:08:00] circles, um, just, just yesterday I spoke with a friend who is going through a relationship, um, conflict, but I had no idea because I hadn't spoken with that person in some time.

And we, we talked about it. We, we connected on a totally separate topic. He's helping me analyze data basically, but of course, we, we started with, um, kind of a personal check in type deal and, and it seems very common that. A lot of people suffer either in silence or isolation, and so as that happens in our peer circles, of course it happens in youth circles as well, and that, that piece I believe is timeless in that we've always, in our human experience, needed quality relationships.

Love that. And love that for many reasons. One, connection and relationship is what regulates us. It's what gets us through the hard stuff, [00:09:00] right? And I think it's one of the reasons you and I connected. Uh, I, you sat in on half of my session, I saw you as, as part of a panel, and there's an authenticity about our connection, and knowing that we're these two people on this planet, who just decide we're gonna impact in a different way, and part of what's happened in these chitty chats is that what I'm learning is these individuals who are doing extraordinary work, which I think be about change and what you're doing is extraordinary work.

And we haven't even talked about Tucker's house. I can't wait to hold that thought. It starts from our own personal journey. And it starts from this layer of this happened to me, this is part of my story, and this is what I can do to change that. And so when you set out to go down to juvenile court, build these relationships.

Did you have any hesitation inside? Were there any parts of you that were like, imposter syndrome? Do I belong here? Do I not belong [00:10:00] here? How do you overcome that? Or were you just like, this is my purpose. I'm confident. I'm going to make this happen. I'm stubborn. Let's see what happens.

Yeah, so a bit of both.

And the first, let's just say, less than a handful of workshops, um, I took this approach as, you know, kind of a rigid, um, outline, let's say, for the discussion. And I found quickly that my rigidity, uh, was met with more rigidity, right? Who knew? Weird. Weird. And, and so that forced me to become a better listener, uh, become a better observer, and just try to Be more of a facilitator rather than an actual speaker, and I think probably somewhat common is like a person like me who kind of walks into the space, has this preconceived notion of what it ought to look like, and then the, the ego leads.

Right? And so I think that I led with this, this idea that I was going to impart all this [00:11:00] wonderful wisdom being in recovery. Right? I know everything now. And, you know, again, very youth, youth type of approach and quickly received an education that it was quite the opposite. And so any, any apprehension was more so on the unknown of what a juvenile court room might look like versus a typical high school room where it's obviously the same.

There's a Venn diagram between the individuals that are in the high school classroom and the juvenile court classroom. But of course, the juvenile court classroom are unwilling participants, uh, by and large, near 100 percent of them are unwilling. And so, it, it became this question of what can I do to be more engaging to have a mentor who said, don't go in with the idea of teaching concepts, go in with the idea of creating an environment of learning.

And so I had to try to keep that in the back of my mind and still do, [00:12:00] right? Um, particularly when we, we don't know what a person is carrying with them into a given room. Um, and then it becomes more of responding and then just knowing now different ways to engage. But, um, maybe a bit of imposter syndrome, but at the, at the onset, I was very determined to gain more and more repetitions so that I could then draw from that experience.

And, you know, some quote unquote favorable, you know, feeling fulfilled and all this stuff, and then some just feeling defeated and the combination of all those experiences. has led me to a place where I am now, when I walk into a room, it's not so much about my expectation, so much as what might be needed, so I can, you know, in a, in a religious way, one could say, you know, allow the spirit to speak through me, or to listen through me, and, and [00:13:00] then also know that what we are doing with young people More than anything is cultivating here, like tilling the soil and allowing for ideally seeds to be planted in both directions.

And, and from my experience, knowing that That, um, that vegetation might not grow until later in life, and that's okay. Sure. And, um, that's, that's, that's kind of the way that I've approached it, and in some ways, um, totally ignorant at the beginning, and now slightly less ignorant.

It sounds like curiosity has been a huge gift for you.

And the idea of being curious in these settings, being curious about the human experience, creating the learning environment is all about curiosity. And so, what I say to people when they are passionate about something is, how do you get in that space and be curious about it? And it sounds [00:14:00] like the passion led you there, and then you've created these spaces where maybe a little less ignorant, uh, but also seeing the value of that connection and relationship and how that adds to juveniles.

For sure. And I, you know, funny enough, I, I personally struggle with maintaining curiosity more so with peers than I do with young people, because I have this, I have this, I guess, um, expectation that we ought to graduate. Mentally, you know, in our way of thinking, and when I become less curious, it's because I forget where I came from, seemingly, and, and I have to really force myself to remember the grace that others, uh, extended to me when I was, uh, more of a know it all, let's say.

Yeah, well, and that's the beauty of brain development, right? We can look at [00:15:00] teenagers. I live with them now, they're in my home, and I can say, Ugh, I want that cortex and that frontal lobe to be more developed, and it's not yet. Right? I can hold that more real time with my teenagers, but with adults, I can't do that as well.

With adults, I'm like You have a fully developed brain. You have a cortex. I have a different expectation. And every time, 99 percent of the time, that's when I fall into like a place of disappointment with adults is because I'm holding that expectation and I forget, Oh, their amygdala might be hijacked. Oh, they're human.

Oh, they've got a different stress response. Oh, it's activated. Like all the, they have different experiences. They don't know what I know, all these things. And it sounds like. That's been a similar experience for you too.

As my dad says, um, I, I have this expectation when somebody is old enough to know better.

And, but, you know, that's apparently there's not a [00:16:00] correlation between age and maturity, if you want to call it that, perhaps emotional intelligence. Um, you know, and I guess for me, sobriety has really forced me to look at my prior level of low emotional intelligence. And, you know, again, slightly more emotionally intelligent now.

And, um, yeah, I think you're right with adults. It's just more challenging for me. Yeah,

and I appreciate you speaking to the vulnerability of sobriety. That's a piece of your journey, I'm sure, and it adds all, it adds a different insight to it, right?

It's very Jungian focused in terms of the psychology of it, which I love, because I know that ultimately It's about the way that I respond to things and not any external words, actions, what have you.

I mean, I have learned, of course, to pick up [00:17:00] in human interaction on patterns. And so it's much easier for me at 44 now to recognize a behavioral pattern because I've seen it before. Like we've, at my age, I've probably seen the spectrum of human behavior. And now it's just. Um, whether or not I choose to project assumptions into those patterns when I see them, because we know that even though the pattern might be there, that I can now, knowing what I know, I can respond differently to it, and I don't have to just meet that energy, you know, where I perceive it to be.

Love that. Love that.

And

go ahead. I was going to say it's, uh, it's, it's. I know for me that I have to work on my, my level of patience and my ability to just be patient and, uh, thankfully my children teach me every day.

Yeah, we're going to circle back to your own house. So let's talk Tucker's house [00:18:00] first and then we'll come back to the home of the Hernandez's and how this all applies.

So tell me more about this Tucker's

house. So I had the opportunity to join the organization in 2022 at the time. In fact, when you and I met, I was with a national nonprofit that also worked with justice involved youth in a much more. Heavy way than be about change because of daily interactions in homes, in communities, um, that sort of thing and it was just very, um, draining because I would come home super stressed and, you know, I take it out on my family.

Right? And so I had the opportunity to connect with Tucker's house. I'm good friends with our executive director, Graham, known him for gosh, about 15, 16 years now through church and play music together. And he actually also kind of co presented with me. And BeAboutChange at the Jewel McCourt, so we got to know each other pretty well.

And it's a, it's a development heavy [00:19:00] role. Uh, I do, do some, uh, not specifically working with families, but there are family interactions. Uh, but it's more fundraising and relationship building, right? And so I knew from, uh, BeAboutChange and the national non profit. That I wanted to gain more repetitions specifically in development and fundraising because I was already turning that way anyway, and Tucker's house has really taught me a lot in terms of.

Structuring an organization, building sustainability, creating processes, and just working with a team that is very focused on the sustainability piece, which I can then learn from. And ideally pass on into the team at be about change. Uh, and then ultimately just knowing that Nashville is kind of a, um, a big city with a small town feel, or perhaps the opposite of that.

And so, having lived here since the late 90s, of course, there's always going to be very few degrees of separation between anybody I might meet. [00:20:00] At any given moment. And so, learning these things, uh, at Tucker's House, uh, really, there's a, from my perspective, a more tangible, measurable outcome on the program side, which is providing the home modifications, uh, accessible home modifications, uh, for these children with disabilities.

And so it's that I'll contrast that from justice, um, involved youth programming where the outcomes are, as we know, long term, they don't look so great. Um, and of course, the, the, the number 1 variable is the environment, um, particularly when a young person lives in poverty and how we, whether from a resource program, relationship standpoint, that that's not a variable that is seen, it's seemingly insurmountable.

And so, drawing from the program experience, from Be About Change, the development experience, bringing it into Tucker's house, and [00:21:00] then Um, applying what I know in that way, and then doing the opposite. And so for me personally, it's built a much more well rounded knowledge of non profit relationships, different roles of relationships organizationally, as well as in the community, and then learning even the difference between private and public funding, um, everything that comes along with both of those, and the pros and cons of each.

And just The, the confirmation that relationships are what sustain everything, uh, through time, even, even, you know, beyond when we're gone in this physical life. And so the ability to learn that, uh, through Tucker's House has been very meaningful, and has really shined light on me personally, on areas where I need to grow from a leadership standpoint, and in, in many different ways, really, and has helped [00:22:00] to.

Inform the way that I communicate externally, which again, experience comes from for me for like a ton of mistakes. And so being able to combine those mistakes with what I'm learning, sometimes actively, sometimes upon reflection has been meaningful because I can, I can now. I now have enough information to know how to build a relationship where I might otherwise destroy it.

Now, that's not to say that I'm successful all the time, um, but I, I'm more aware of it. And that's, that's served me well, um, over, I'd say the past year or so in a few different ways.

That's really powerful. That's what, there's so many pieces of this that are powerful. So, I have a lot of questions. One question is, how much in both worlds?

Do you see people putting energy towards intervention versus prevention, and [00:23:00] how would that shift if we put more energy towards prevention than intervention?

I was trying to think about both at the same time, and I need to stop myself and try to think of one at a time. So, with Be About Change, and let's just say Justice Involves Youth, I have been drawn to the area of literacy. Particularly because of prevention and the relationship that there is academically between reading and math and adult incarceration and everything in between.

And as we've kind of talked about before, the, the ultimate variable is the environment, the home environment. And I have seen, I haven't met a personal organization yet. That has been able to meaningfully address the environmental peace on, on the justice, on, in the space of, of, of justice involved in the space of justice involved youth, [00:24:00] what I have, what I am starting to conclude, I think.

Is that the, the name of the program, the program, like, that isn't so important as the quality of relationships that are within the program and that, um, that go beyond the, the length of the, the structure of the program. And, and so those relations, those quality relationships can be found in, in several different programs.

And then there's some programs that, you know, it's, they're just poorly executed. And as humans, we tend to react a lot, right? Yeah. And, and so I think that the actual preventative measures in the justice, in the youth justice involved space is perhaps more about family intervention or prevention. At the family level than just the young person themselves and [00:25:00] being a parent of young children and knowing how our time is limited, I have a much better perspective now than I did in 2016, 17, 18 of

of the common, you know, oh, it's the parents or where are the parents like it's. I think our friend Matthew says it best, you know, the parents are the experts in the child's life and that's for better and for worse. And I have always found better, um, or improved just outcomes in general. When I am afforded the opportunity to build a relationship with a parent or family member or both, and if whether that's prevention or not, I don't know, because I can't quantify the, the, the value of that.

I just know from personal experience as a parent and as somebody who has [00:26:00] relationships with their parents that. That allows for meaningful participation for the young person because it's a, it's a leadership thing, right? So the parent is modeling for the young person, the young person sees that, and so they are more apt to engage.

Um, with, that, that may not have fully answered the question, but it's, it's my shot.

You're doing great. You're doing great. I think that's, go ahead, now answer the,

yeah, the Tucker's house. Um, the, the thing I love about, Uh, the program is that we start with a physical therapist so that the family's priorities can be heard and actually witnessed and documented in the home.

And so the, our therapist team has found that. Any caregiver can perform up to 5, 000 manual transfers in a given year, and you take that across, let's say, 40 years, you've got 200, [00:27:00] 000 manual transfers, which is difficult for the brain to comprehend. Um, and the, the home modifications alleviate those transfers.

And so. The idea with the physical therapist is that we can then pass that information on to an architectural designer that creates the design informed by the family's priorities, and then brought to life by the construction team. And so it creates a lifetime solution rather than one thing where we have to come back every 3 to 5 years.

And so to me, knowing what I know from juvenile justice and generational impact and, and, and, and everything that comes along with that, um, it's, it's awesome to see how something as seemingly simple as, uh, a, a zero entry shower, for example, um, can provide physical and emotional relief for a caregiver, which is then passed down to the young person, um, [00:28:00] Which, you know, in some instances can then be passed down to a grandchild.

So, you know, when we're stressed out, you know, our shoulders are up. We're stressed and we're antsy and we're anxious and we're like all these things. And even though we can't necessarily realize it over the course of a few short moments. Over the course of three to five years, those shoulders kind of start to relax a little bit more, and we know that when we are, we can, when we're more relaxed, we can breathe deeper, we can breathe deeper, we can make better decisions, we make better decisions, we can care for others, uh, in sounder ways, and our children can see and experience that, and so,

there's a lot to be said

about the ability to do that, Mm. And, uh, uh, like for me, what I'm, what I'm thinking now is like, as a father, right, as you, as we raise children, we, we are of course reliving our [00:29:00] own childhood moments and in some ways carrying positive things from those moments and in other ways kind of, um, going against the grain of what we know was negative for us and trying to facilitate something better for our children.

And so when I see parents. able to then breathe deeper and make better decisions and how that impacts their Children. Uh, that's meaningful to me because it's It's encouraging to bear witness to that. And then it's also a relatable point because I know that even though my children don't have, uh, physical disabilities, um, there's always a, a, something or some things that we will wrestle with internally.

And that will ultimately affect how we interact with the outside world. And so, um, so from a, let's see if I can tie [00:30:00] it all together. Right. Um, from a prevention standpoint, I, ideally what we're doing is preventing future, um, psychological discomfort, or at the very least facilitating more comfort, um, because we, we have like a video series called House to Home, and the idea is that it's not just a place, uh, with, um, trying to think of the cheesy phrase I've used before, which is, um, Uh, a house is made of wood and beams, a home is made of love and dreams, and it is, home, we, we know, is also here and here, and even as a father, I want, my, I would say number one goal is to build a strong home, foundation here, within my children.

Yeah, so that when they depart, they know they have a place to return to because [00:31:00] sure shit, they will depart right as we all do and and so the ability to see how our community partners and just just donors and everyone involved in this communal aspect of it really facilitate the long term peace for people and for families and for households.

You did a great job of tying that all back together. And for our listeners who can't see your visuals, that piece of our home is created in the head and the heart. is powerful. And the question I want to ask you is, I think the struggle for me in mental health and the work that I do is it's not tangible, right?

We don't often see the seeds that we've planted grow into something else. We're not sure what happens to people after they leave certain systems. We always have these question marks or these curiosities. But what is tangible is how I can bring what I've [00:32:00] learned in my work into my home. And so my question for you is, what are those lessons that you've learned from the outside world that you've, you bring into your home, which I think you've talked a little bit about some of that, but how do you, how do you take what you professionally know from And make it personal and live this work also.

In the exact same way that I do professionally, and that's through a series of, um, you know, small mistakes, small wins, big mistakes, big wins. And, um, so, I've always got, I'm, I'm cursed forever with the, the recovery, you know, psychology, which, I, I say that jokingly because I, I, I think that to an extent with a seven and a four year old, I'm probably, uh, holding them to a higher standard than I, I, I otherwise might not.

And so, as an example, uh, just [00:33:00] today, our older son had, uh, kind of like a, like an infection on his, close to his fingernail from picking at it, right? And, um, it kind of puffed up. Now, I know from experience that, like, you know, he's probably going to have to have it lanced and all these different things. And I said to him at breakfast this morning, I said, I said, look, I never want to see you go through pain.

However, when you go to the doctor, if they have to lance it or give you a shot, it's gonna hurt. And so my hope is that the pain is just enough to teach you that your decision led to that and that you can prevent it. Um, a little harsh for a seven year old probably, but I also want him to see the connection between, and I say him, but also our younger son, Four.

Um, to see the connection between their decisions and actions and the outcomes and consequences and another example might be [00:34:00] when, uh, most of these are with, with our older son because he, you know, he's more, um, I don't, I don't know the, the, you know, child psychology term, but he's just more not independent, but he's more of a, he's going to try

things.

He's a doer. He's going to, he's going to experience some things that might lead to, yeah. Some decisions, right, where he has to really evaluate.

Yeah, he's developing some logic, right? Yeah, and so like the other night it was uh, so they were off of school yesterday for President's Day And so he said can I every now and then we'll let him come watch TV, you know after they've gone to bed And he said can I come watch TV?

And I said yes, but wait for me to come get you don't just come down, you know Well, what does he do? He comes downstairs And so I said, look, you can't watch TV now. And he's like, well, why not? I'm like, because I told you to wait and you decided that you didn't want to. So he's very upset. Right? And so now I'm like, all right, do I console him?

Do I [00:35:00] stay hard on them? So I did a bit of both and I console them, but I was like, look, generally speaking, when you're upset, when you get hurt, because he didn't listen to us. And, and so I want him to understand that he won't because, you know, like me, stubborn, right? But I would like for him to understand that he, that there's always going to be a, a direct relationship between his choices and actions and, you know, kind of what happens.

And even on top of that, I tell them that you might do everything right and things still won't go your way. Yeah. Not just with us, but even more so in the, out in the world. And, and then I think on the other side of that is because having had the experiences that I've had professionally, I also know when I, usually in the moment, the moment I say something that's just stupid and just unreasonable for somebody their age, [00:36:00] I'll be like, damn, I shouldn't have said it like that or something, right?

And, and from recovery, I've learned to apologize. Um, and as soon as I can and another time was, um, when, when our older son was, uh, bragging. Oh, no, he was giving his little brother a hard time about something and they're both kind of wrapping up basketball season. I said to him, I said, well, you can't even rebound and he kind of got upset or annoyed with me calling him out.

And then I had this thought probably sooner than later, but I had this thought later. That that was a really just asshole thing of me to say, because the reason he can't rebound is because I haven't spent enough time teaching him. Mmm. And, and so I, it was about 11 o'clock when I had this kind of thought, and I, I went to his room and woke him up, and I said, Hey, I'm sorry for saying that.

This is on me, and I think for me, it's been important to apologies have been very important in our home because, [00:37:00] um, my parents, um, they have apologized, you know, to things or for things I should say, but definitely not right in the moment or soon after. Right? It was like, you know, on some like, uh, you know, discussion some years later or what have you and.

And then even, uh, another instance when, um, someone close to, to our older son, uh, had disappointed him and did not apologize for it. And so that was a moment also where I could say to him, um, you know, like, not everybody is going to be willing or even ready to apologize, even if they know that they're wrong.

I said, and it's not fair, um, but who you are as a person does not depend on whether or not they apologize. Yeah. And, and, um, gosh, just the other day he came into, uh, my office here and he was asking about drugs at seven, and he had watched a profile on one of [00:38:00] his, uh, favorite NFL players and like a family thing that they had had, and he's like, what are drugs?

And, um, and so that prompted a good 15, 20 minute discussion. And I, I was, I actually told him some about my past. And, and just my, you know, choices and what they led to. And he's like, why do people use drugs? And I was like, man, these questions are tough, right? Um, and so I think I, at the time I said, um, I said, you know, it usually starts off, uh, in a, in a peer group, you know, with our friends and it's like, we're, we're just trying to have fun.

I said, I think. The underlying motivator for anybody to, to, I didn't say state of mind because that's a little, you know, academic sounding for him, right? I said, but we want to feel good, especially when we're sad or angry. And so we turn to things that help that we think make us feel good. But really what it is, is that we're [00:39:00] just not secure with who we are.

And we may, we may not feel comfortable in our relationships to talk about what's bothering us. And then that led me to also talk about friends that I've lost, like someone that I mentioned earlier, and so it was just a very, uh, cool opportunity to have, to have that discussion with him, um, to ideally gain an understanding of, of human thought patterns and processes.

So many things that you're saying are so critical that I love that you're speaking to one power of repair that repair that apology and all of our relationships so critical to heal those fractures that we have and then you're going to listen to this you're going to give yourself a hard time about some of the things you're saying Marcel and what I'm here to tell you is the power of relationship is When we're teaching our kids consequences, actions, you know, effect, cause and effect, relationships [00:40:00] hugely important.

And you're not teaching your lessons to your kids without relationship. They're in relationship with you and that's beautiful. That's such a gift that you're giving your children. And then the one thing I'm learning about your son that I think might be similar to you is he's going to need some reps.

He's going to need a lot of repetitions, right? And so stubborn is about repetition. Stubborn is about like, uh, petition to learn that or to achieve that or to get that done. And I love that you're sharing all those stories because I can tell those pieces that you've learned professionally. Influence your parenting, influence your relationship, and my experience with the professionals that we work with, meet, love, the ones who are living the work in their home.

Are doing amazing work professionally. It's really hard for me to fall in love with professionals who aren't also building that home in what they're [00:41:00] doing professionally as well. So I appreciate you taking the time to share all of that

with us. Thank you. And, you know, as you were saying that, I was thinking how probably an area I struggle with articulating is when.

When our children get upset, uh, of a consequence, like, you know, they, they keep doing something that we told them not to do, and then so either something gets taken away, or they just don't get their way, and so they get upset, and I immediately, I jump into, you're not gonna feel sorry for yourself, because like, like, you knew going into this, what would happen, because you were warned, it was kind of an escalation type thing, right, and, you know, I, I think I'm probably, I overemphasize that portion, because I know for me, um, I'm, In addiction, it's like the self pity piece and the self pity to me always leads to, uh, you know, larger resentments or resentments longer over time and all these different things.

And even though I know that I [00:42:00] can't and shouldn't shield our children from the hardships of the world, I also would like for them to have some information of what they're going to confront and how to navigate that. And so for me, self pity is just a big one because it, you know, I, I know that I'm projecting at times unnecessarily, but they, they ought to know that, that self, that there is a relationship between self pity and just destructive behavior.

You are just showing up for your kids in all the ways that they need a dad and a father. And I love that. I appreciate you taking the time to talk about that. Be about change, about Tucker's house, about your family, but mostly just about you, Marcel. You are a gift on this planet and I'm so glad that I have gotten to cross paths with you.

Thanks for being with me today. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Uh, how can people find you if they're like, ah, I need more or I have millions of [00:43:00] dollars. I want to donate it to Marcel's projects. Yeah. How did these beautiful humans who are listening, find you and reach out?

So the best one would be, uh, Marcel, M-A-R-C-E-L, at be about change.org and also Marcel dot hernandez at tucker's house.org.

And that's whether, you know, program or community partner or questions in general. Um, it email probably be best. And then I tend to set up appointments like you and I have now, uh, or phone calls or in person meetings.

Love that. Thank you for your time today, Marcel. I'm so, so thankful for you.

Thank you, Stacey.

Have a good day. You too.