Chitty Chats with Stacy

reflection 4
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[00:00:00] Hey, friends. I am excited to just check in with you this week. I've gotten some great feedback about reflections. So thanks for listening. It's been fun to share some of my thoughts. They're pretty deep. So this week as I traveled, I thought about some presentations I had to do this week and put together and just content that, you know, I want to give to the world.

And so one of the, I think one of the pieces of content that I came up with probably about two years ago was this concept in this discussion around triggers, or what activates us, what triggers us. And so I've been sitting with that piece for a long time. So when I, You know, I've been a clinician now for [00:01:00] almost 20 years, not quite 20 years, but, pretty close.

And I, I guess a little bit over licensed for 19 and I've been working with children and families since I was in high school. So I've just taken a lot of information and I, Oftentimes think if I could put out into the world, what I talk about in my sessions, one on one with people, that could be really helpful.

And so I want to talk about this piece around understanding what triggers us, especially by children, whether it's our students or our own children. And so oftentimes what is activating our nervous system, what is creating stress inside of us when our buttons are pushed, when we feel triggered, really doesn't actually have anything to do with child in front of us, whatever age they are, and it has everything to do with our own experiences.

And so, I came up with these five questions that I ask people [00:02:00] when they are triggered or activated by the same person. So whether it's your own child or whether it is a student in your classroom or a client in your office, I just think these are five questions that are really important to think about.

So question one is, Are your basic needs met? And people laugh when I ask that question, but it's a really important question. Are your basic needs met? Have you eaten today? Have you drank water today? Have you slept today? Have you moved your body? Have you been outside? All those basic needs play into our own emotional regulation.

So hangry is a real thing. When we're tired, we don't always function better. So, you know, the top question is, are your basic needs met? So especially if you're, if you're a teacher and [00:03:00] you have a student in your class and they keep pushing your buttons, look at the time of day. Are your buttons more pushed in the morning?

Are they more pushed at lunch because you've skipped lunch or you skipped breakfast? You know, did you wake up and you don't feel well in the morning because you haven't slept, you haven't rested, you haven't had restorative sleep? Just look at that piece. So are your basic needs met? The second question, which is probably one of my most favorite questions to ask is, is their sensory system activating your sensory system?

So I often use the example that I have a very wide window of tolerance for movement. When I'm giving a speech or I'm presenting or I'm working with people or I'm in schools or I'm with my own kids, like, I could have conversations with people all day and they could be moving, they could be drawing, they could be their heads down, they don't have to be looking me in the eye, they could be sitting in a swing.

Movement, I have a wide range of tolerance for. But noises, Somebody tapping their [00:04:00] pencil, somebody clicking their teeth, someone smacking their gums, causes me to twitch a little bit, causes me to kind of go, what was I thinking? Where was I at? So it's really important that we look at our own sensory systems and what activates them.

And it's not the, the kid's responsibility to take care of our sensory systems. It's our responsibility to know how we're activated and what triggers those pieces of stress. And so I think it's a question, especially in schools, we create our classrooms to match our nervous systems. We create them so that we feel calm when we're in there.

That doesn't always mean that it doesn't work. It is a environment that is calming for our students. It might be activating another student. So that question of, is there a sensory system, activating my sensory system, can really provide a lot of insight. So the third question is, [00:05:00] who does this student or who does this child remind me of from my past?

This is a harder question. It's a little bit deeper. as you're in your cortex, most people are like, nobody, this, this kid doesn't remind me of anybody. But as we sit with that question, we kind of start noticing our body and we start thinking through, You know, our past and who we are, uh, a lot of times people will land on a person from their past.

So, we don't ever cross a threshold of any room without bringing every experience that we've had into the world. And so, a student or your own child might remind you of your parent or your, you know, Ex boyfriend or girlfriend, or the student could remind you of maybe a teacher you had, or another student that you had in the past.

And so, You know, when we aren't [00:06:00] aware that we're triggered by things from our past that we haven't really worked through, then what happens is those kids that are in our life right now push those buttons. And if we're, if we're aware enough, I always say kids that push our buttons are on the planet to help us grow, which means it gives us a time to reflect and really grow through our own pain, look at what else we need to.

resolve, work through, process. So that's the third question. Who does this kid remind you of from your past? The fourth question is when have you felt this feeling before? And I'm a big believer that feelings are stored in filing cabinets. And sometimes you can have a feeling and a flood of memories connected to the same feeling can start to come up.

And so it's important to. identify the feeling, which is hard for us to do sometimes. And so sometimes it could be, I feel incompetent. I feel powerless. [00:07:00] I feel out of control. I feel sad, mad, glad, scared. It's usually a deeper feeling or more complex feeling, I should say, not deeper, but a complex feeling of embarrassed or, you know, You know, feelings that are a little bit harder to notice, and our students, our own kids, our clients, they can make us feel those things.

And we want to look at when did I feel that way before? Uh, because it could be connected to a time you felt embarrassed, or a time you felt out of control, or a time you felt incompetent. And, It's not the student's fault for you feeling those feelings. We have to own our own feelings. We've got to work through that.

The last question that I ask when a student or a child or a client of some age triggers us or activates our nervous system is, What was I going through at the age of that kid? So if you are a clinician and you're working [00:08:00] with young kids and you have a kid in your office who's nine years old, you gotta think about, what was I experiencing at nine years old?

Was I going through some hard stuff in my own life at nine? Because that person might be pushing that button of our little self. And oftentimes when we're stressed, we're regressed. And so now nine year old Stacy's in the office with this nine year old client, and that's not good either. Or maybe you went through some hard stuff in your teenage years.

And so we really want to look at what were your own experiences during the time of The age of the person who's activating you. So, the five questions. Are your basic needs met? Is there a sensory system activating your sensory system? Who does this person remind me of from my past? When have I felt this feeling before?

And, what was happening to me at the age of this person. So as I think about those [00:09:00] pieces this week, I just think those are five deeper questions to ask ourselves. We have to stop putting triggers on kids. We have to stop saying that kid triggers everyone. That kid triggers me. That kid triggers the staff.

That kid is a really triggering kid. We have to start looking at. How come I'm activated? We're the ones with the fully developed cortex. We're the ones that have the ability to reach up and work on regulation and look at our own problem solving, decision making, critical thinking, reflection. And so these five questions hopefully will help you get to a different place with the kids in your life.

So I look forward to connecting with you all next week. I hope you're having a fabulous day. Drive safe. Love ya.