Chitty Chats with Stacy

reflection 10
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[00:00:00] Good morning, friends. Happy Monday to you. I am headed out on a beautiful day. Still a little bit cold out. We had a big snow storm this weekend. But we're moving in the right direction for weather. So, that was a shout out to all my friends who are concerned about the weather. Today's episode, or today's reflection, is really a shout out to these wonderful women I met this weekend.

Brittany, Katie I happen to be at a hot springs with my husband, soaking up some good minerals and landed in a hot springs with these beautiful women who are on a girls weekend and moms. I just, let's just talk about moms for a [00:01:00] minute. So dad. I see you and I hear you and I love you and I'm not a dad so I don't know what that whole process is like at a really core level and so please know that this is about moms and it's not at the expense of dads.

I want to be really clear about that. I think there's value in both. So these lovely women really gave me a chance to do some reflection on my own mom experience and being a mom and what it's like to have children who are older. And so I just want to shout out to you women. Thank you for spending some time with us.

I really appreciated it. And I really, really, really want to remind you that you're not alone. And so, part of the conversation, which was just very beautiful was the discussion about how [00:02:00] stinking hard it is. It is to raise toddlers. So if you've heard me speak, if you've heard me present I'll often talk about emotional development and I discuss you know, the importance of toddlers.

Toddlers are just some of the most powerful people on the planet. And in my opinion, they're some of the healthiest people. people on the planet. And let me tell you why. So the thing about toddlers is they are just these walking bundles of feelings and they feel their feels, they get through them. And sometimes it's a tornado while you're getting through them.

And on the other side, they want to be your best friend. And they're through the feeling and they let it go and they've moved on. And I really appreciate that. Now, am I aware that toddlers do not have some, you know, ability to do some. Problem solving, some further thinking, you know, some decision making, some critical, you [00:03:00] know, decision making, of course, of course, I'm aware of that.

But I want to be clear about just how passionate toddlers are. You know, there's something about, especially when you're watching a toddler being raised in a healthy home. There's something about a toddler who really, you know, A toddler in a healthy home can have these big feelings and get these messages that parents or caregivers are there, their loved ones are present, they're going to co regulate us through this, they're going to help us get over the crisis and be on the other side, and that's beautiful.

Now, toddlers are a lot of work because those feelings can be really big and they can last a really, really, really long time. And what happens is we often think, are they ever going to get through this? Is there ever going to be a time when maybe we're having a different experience? Are they going to [00:04:00] navigate this in a way that's going to be healthy?

Are we going to ever, ever see the light of day? And the answer is yes. Yes, we get through that. The other thing that happens is, you know, toddler life is this like critical time where we really do teach kids about what to do with their lives. And so, a lot of times you can end up on the other side of that where you're getting messages like you're to be seen and not heard.

Don't cry. Suck it up buttercup. And what happens then is these toddlers grow into bigger kids who become adults that don't know how to work through those feelings and don't know how to have, um, those bigger, you know, how to process those bigger feelings in a really healthy way. And so I just love toddlers.

They're some of my favorite people on the planet, and I want to be really clear. I'm a mom, too, and [00:05:00] toddler life was also tough. There were some parts of our toddler life that were tough, so I'm not saying this from a place of, oh, my toddlers were easy. I'm saying this from a place of, yeah. I've had the physical pieces where, you know, explosive behavior becomes really big and I've had the pieces of this is lasting for hours.

How long do we have to go through this? And it's okay. On the other side, I have really good humans. And so what I always tell moms, especially moms, and I think for dads too, for some reason, though, I feel like it's a little different for moms. I said this to one of my clients this week, um, kids just act different with their moms.

And I don't think there's a dad on the planet that would disagree with that. When a kid gets around their mom, they just behave differently. And I think it's biological. I think it's very much how it's supposed to be. And so as I visited with these moms this weekend, I just reminded them that [00:06:00] in my opinion, that zero to five is the hardest part of parenting.

I think that teenagers present their own challenges for sure. I'm deep in that. However. I think that when you, one of the moms said, when you do the work as a toddler, it sounds like it pays off later. And I really believe that. I think, you know, based in science and brain based research that we know, 90 percent of the brain is organized by the age of five.

So that work you're doing in the first five years is really critical for how the world is shaped later. And so it is rough and there's lots of not sleeping Lots of big feelings and what I would say to you mamas out there is just keep your head above water do what you need to do and I think it's really important that we don't judge each other and we We [00:07:00] don't place judgment on other parents, especially moms who are just doing the best that they can.

I was also reminded about, you know, being a divorce mom. If you are a single parent, mom or dad, shout out to you. It is hard. It's tough. Do what you gotta do to keep your head above water. Love on those kids and also remember to take care of yourselves. If you're a working parent, keep it real. You're head above water.

You know, I am definitely a feminist. I want to be clear about that. Um, I believe in women's rights. I believe in equality, all that good stuff. And I think part of what we've done is we've created a society where women work, women, parents, women are still carrying this huge mental load and shout out to all those husbands and those men who are helping us out and are taking that off our And [00:08:00] that we're also having a hard time communicating what to take off our plate.

You know, we've got some work to do and there's this illusion that we can be all of it and we can do all of it and we can still be okay. And I think we're exhausted. And so, I see you and I just love the gift of being a mom. Um, I think that it is a beautiful gift. I'm extremely grateful for and it's not lost on me that not everybody gets to be a parent.

That's a very real theme in my life and it's also not lost on me that you know, momming comes with its own journey. I said to these women that I really believe our children are gifted to us to help us grow. And so if you're a mom and you're like, Stacy, I don't want to grow, I don't have time to I'm [00:09:00] exhausted.

That's okay. It's okay to just take a breath. It's okay to, you know, rest as much as you can. It's okay for your kids to eat hot dogs and not vegetables. They're going to be okay. And someone will probably get upset with me for saying that, but it's just true. Like there's also only so much we can do and it's okay to look at our own journey as children and think about about how do we want our, our version of parenting to be different than how we were parented.

And I always tell parents, you're going to mess your kids up. All kids need therapy at some point. And that's okay. It's okay. It's okay. So don't go into parenting thinking you'll have to be a perfect parent. Think about how you can be enough of a parent because you're inevitably going to do something maybe that you didn't.

didn't have happened to you, but [00:10:00] because of life, there will be something in your parenting journey that your parent, your kid's going to be upset about. That's how it works. Um, I've had this conversation with my own two kids about, listen, I'm doing the best I can and I am going to mess up and I have a therapy fund for you.

And we're going to, we're going to be available for repair as you get into your twenties and that cortex develops. We're going to be available to do some repair as you're reflecting on your journey and you want. To call me out on some things. That's okay. You know, the coolest part about being a parent is watching your kids grow into who they are.

And part of that means they're gonna come back and question and challenge and be curious about our own journey. And so I just wanna honor all of you moms of toddlers. It gets better, I promise. It gets better with time and you're gonna really enjoy the next season. So just know that. It's okay to be exhausted.

[00:11:00] Don't eat your children alive. Use your village and give mom's grace. We have got to stop being judgy. We've never walked in the shoes of another person. And so we have no business in that. judging other people. I have been judged far and wide by a lot of people because of my choices during my journey of parenting because of my divorce for being a single mom.

There's been lots of pieces of this journey where people have been very cruel and have had no context or idea of what I'm experiencing. And I just thought, wow, I wish I could. I could sit over there and throw stones and it would be nice if people just had empathy. So, for all you moms out there, I see you, and for all you moms of toddlers, Whoo!

Keep your head up, friends. [00:12:00] Just rest. Just meet your basic needs, drink some water get some great food, definitely preserve your mom weekends. Your kids will live, I promise, without you. They'll probably have a great time actually, um, and they'll be well behaved and you'll hear all about it when you get home.

And you'll wonder why they're not well behaved with you and just remember that's just part of what kids do. They're just act differently with their mom. And so I just want to say thank you for what a beautiful. gift that was this weekend and it really caused me to do a lot of reflection about the beauty of toddlers and the momming of toddlers and shout out to all you moms out there.

Really appreciate you. Keep your head above water. Sending you loads and loads of love. Don't don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

[00:13:00]