Chitty Chats with Stacy

reflection 1
===

[00:00:00]

Good morning, friends. I am so excited that you all are investing your time into Chitty Chats with Stacey. And I feel really blessed and honored that so many of you are reaching out, you're sending messages, we're shifting culture and culture. Thank you. education and parenting and the clinical office and I just wanted to take the time to let you know that I am going to start adding a reflection post every week.

I have this really wild life where I live every other week in a different location. So my kids are full time in Colorado and I have shared custody [00:01:00] and my husband. is active duty in Wyoming and so every week I have this beautiful three hour drive through the mountains of Colorado and Wyoming for two of those hours I have no service.

So I do things like listen to podcasts and enjoy the nature that God has created and also wonder if it's icy or snowing or a blizzard or. Will I see a moose? Will I see a fox? It's become this ritual where I just get time to myself to think. And I also get time to listen to other podcasts, listen to books.

take some time to just be. And one of the things that I've been really in my own life working through is parenting a teenager, parenting two teenagers and I've [00:02:00] been really sitting with these concepts of being the emotional crisis responder and knowing that behavior is not personal.

for those of you who are in it with me, this teenage life can be a wild ride filled with lots of feelings and lots of emotions. And I definitely don't want to, talk about. It's about my own children's journey. That's their story to tell and I'm hoping that at least one of them will come on this podcast at some point as a guest and we can discuss that.

But I know for me, just sitting in the everyday up and down, noticing my own journey of emotion, noticing when I feel gritchy that's my own word, which means grumpy and bitchy. Uh, it's kind of a combo. It's not quite to the bitchy side. So not quite grumpy, but you know, sometimes when you're saying things like, Hey, I love you.

And you get an, okay, or how was your day? Tell [00:03:00] me what you, what you did today. And you get a, I don't want to talk about it. those typical teenager responses. Sometimes I just have to sit with my own gritchiness and I have to notice my own body and I have to do some self. Talk. And that sometimes takes some real practice.

And so I've been thinking a lot about the concept of money in the bank. And so as most of you who've listened to me train or speak, it's my favorite strategy for all relationships. You know, If we don't have enough money in the bank of relationship, it's really difficult. And so if I'm focusing on connection and not just attention, I really have to be strategic about money in the bank of relationship.

And so those gritchy moments that I have can sometimes deplete my bank with my kids. And I have to get strategic about how do I [00:04:00] put money in the bank of relationship. And so as I'm driving today and I'm reflecting on my time and contemplating this whole parenting of teenagers, I just come back to money in the bank looks a little different as our kids get older because we don't get as much time with them.

Uh, My daughter recently started driving and she's just not around as much, which is normal development. And honestly, I want that. I want her to be social. I want her to be with friends, probably more now than I've ever wanted, because I'm aware that this current generation of kids really do not get as much social interactions due to phones and screens, and we know they went through this COVID era, and a lot of high schoolers have some major anxiety, and so I try to say yes, As often as possible when my kids want to socialize and be with their [00:05:00] friends and go do things.

And that's at the expense of my time with them. And so that becomes a very interesting, intentional conversation that I really am having with myself about how do I show up? How do I put that money in the bank? Bank. So do I show up at sporting events where I don't really get connection time with them, but they see me there.

They see me, supporting them and yelling for them and being excited and supporting their activities. Do I send a text that says, I love you. I hope you have a good day. Knowing full intentionally that I'm probably not. going to get a response at all. Do I invite them to spend a day together where they can bring a friend knowing that I'm going to have to share that time with them and their friends, but I get to be in their presence.

And so I think that it [00:06:00] is this really interesting discussion and I'm in this unique situation, not unique to a lot of people, but unique to 50 percent of the people where I'm a divorced. And so I share my kids. I split time. I don't get them a hundred percent of the time. And as I've really gone through this divorce process, I'm eight years out now.

It's still a grieving process. I can still get super teary just talking about it. I can still get really sad that I don't get my kids a hundred percent of the time. And for those of you who've been in that you, you know, I know that that's hard. And so when I do get my kids, the intentionality and the time that I think about how to put money in the bank is really, really important.

And what I'm finding is that the [00:07:00] depletion of money in the bank is really connected to my responses. And that is the piece that, you know, gosh, I preach this, I live it, I train it, I teach it. But when we really notice ourself and we When we sink into our own responses and our own reactions to our children and their behaviors, we really can push the needle to, is that a depletion in our money in the bank of relationship?

Or is it sort of just a neutral no money gained, no money lost, our relationships okay. And I'm finding that the practicing of that neutral response is really helping me where, you know, when I get an okay. I just look at it and I think initially I think, can't you just say I love you back? Can't you just acknowledge that I'm existing?

Why do you have to be so mean? That's like my internal reaction. And my outward reaction is they acknowledged me. That's important. They acknowledged the [00:08:00] text or gosh, they smiled or they decided, yes, I want to spend time and I want to bring a friend. And the neutral piece of that where I just accept my children where they're at in the moment where they're at is probably more important lesson.

It's the most important lesson I've had. you know, For 20 years I've been working with children and families and for 20 years I've been a clinician and I've been teaching this money in the bank concept for really long time. And what I'm realizing as I navigate these parenting years is that I've never talked about the importance.

I've always said our relationship with our kids either adds money in the bank or depletes money in the bank, and I've never really acknowledged that neutral piece where it could just be status [00:09:00] quo, and what I'm finding is that that is a extremely important lesson, and I'm just giving it to you real time.

This journey that we're all on as you are navigating. Whatever role you're in, whether it's education or parenting or being a clinician, it's just that it's a journey. Not one person on this planet is an expert that knows everything. Many of us have lots of experiences, but we're also learning. And I find that as we are in this journey together, this journey of being human and helping and learning, what also is happening is we grow.

We learn from each other. And for many of us, we're having these moments of ahas all along our journey. And so I just wanted to share that reflection and that aha moment with you today as I'm driving. It's three below zero. I am [00:10:00] in the beautiful mountains of Colorado. I have three mountain passes.

That I get to enjoy as I go over this and I am noticing that sometimes that neutral response is really critical in maintaining relationships and so for whatever that's worth, I just wanted to know that you're not alone. I'm in this journey with you. I'm always learning. I'm always learning. growing, working through my own stuff.

And I look forward to sharing some more reflections as we go through this journey together. Stay tuned for more reflections and more chitty chats with Stacey, which also includes just my own chitty chats with myself. uh, Have a wonderful day.