Chitty Chats with Stacy

Greetings, friends, welcome
back to Chitty Chats with Stacy.

I appreciate you so much and I'm very
excited to let you in on a new segment

that we're gonna do with Chitty Chats
and these are reader questions, in

between podcast interviews in between
me weighing in on a few things in the

world and my own thoughts on things, I
am going to ask listeners for questions.

And so if you wanna submit a question
for me to answer on the podcast,

you just drop me the question at
my email address, stacy@go.org.

So today we are going to dig
into our first listener question,

and this comes from Heather.

Heather's got some great stuff happening
in her life and she, her question is,

I am a midlife mama and partner who's
also an eldest daughter, boy, how many

of you're relating to this already?

When I realized new ways I wanna take
care of myself, how do I negotiate?

Pulling time and resources away
from others who have benefited

for so long from my care of them.

Wow.

I could definitely relate to this.

Question, and I'm sure there are
many of you listeners who can

also relate to this question.

And so there's a few, there's
a few things to unpack in here.

Heather, I appreciate this.

So one of the first things I think is
really critical to remember is that we

are constantly modeling self-care and
self-regulation for those of us in our

life, for those people in our life.

So if you're a mother, if
you're a partner, if you're a

caregiver, if you're an educator.

Your behavior is being
observed and watched by all the

people that are in your life.

And so sometimes we will sacrifice
our own regulation and our own

self-care at the expense of ourselves
to really serve other people.

And what that is doing is it's actually
stretching us further and causing us to

not show up in the best ways that we can.

And for those of you who've listened
for a long time, I use that analogy

that our nervous system is like a
rubber band, and the more stressed

we are, the more stretched we are.

And it really should be stretch,
release, stretch release.

But some of us are living in this
stretched out state, and I think when you

get to a point where Heather's at where
she's saying, these humans have benefited

so long from my care and my sacrifice,
and I need to pour a little bit more

back into me, how do I negotiate that?

It's really.

Having a conversation with the
people who have the ability to have

those conversations around, yo,
my rubber band is really stretched

and I need to take some time too.

Release it, whatever that looks like.

I need to get to the gym.

I need to go have a girl's
night with my friends.

I need some quiet time.

I need to read.

And when we talk about dosing our own
regulation, our own emotional regulation,

we wanna do it consistently for ourselves.

And negotiating, pulling time and
resources away from others is really

about predictability and letting
them know, I'm actually not pulling

my time and resources away from
you because I don't care about you.

I'm pulling it away so that
I can pour into myself, so

I'm more available for you.

Now, some of you might have little
people in your life and that might be

really confusing for them depending on
where they are in their development.

Depending on what your relationship
with isn't with is with them.

And what I would encourage you to do
is remember that you're constantly

modeling self-care, self-worth,
self-regulation, and over time

with consistency, predictability of
how you navigate those resources.

You're going to be sending a message
to the little people in your life that

it's okay for them to set boundaries.

Say the word no, take time
to regulate themselves.

And it's about doing it with intention.

It's about doing it, knowing that when
your rubber band is so stretched, you

cannot show up regulated and safe.

Sometimes when we're so stretched,
we're not the safest person that we can

be, so I encourage you to think about
what are the things you need to do.

To dose regulation regularly for
yourself, whether it's getting up an

hour before everybody wakes up or going
to bed an hour later, so you have some

alone time, whether it's a date night
with your partner once a week or once

every other week or once a month.

That's very predictable, whether
there's lots of ways to do that.

And so you've gotta identify what
you need first and then have some

emotionally regulated conversations
with the people in your life explaining.

Self-regulation and
pouring back into yourself.

And then for those of you who have
kids or people in your life who aren't

capable of those conversations yet, just
know that your actions and modeling are

sending the message of I really care
about myself and I'm gonna pour back in.

For those of you who have not grown
up with boundaries in your life or.

People modeling boundaries.

This is, it takes time
and it takes practice.

And so remember that repetition is
important and talking practicing

boundaries is important.

Saying the word no is important.

Look at your life and say how do we.

Carve out time that it
adds value to our life.

The other strategy I love to use,
especially with busy people, is putting

dates on your calendar that say things
like meeting with the boss except you're

the boss and it's a meeting with yourself,
but nobody really knows that and nobody

questions a meeting with the boss, and we
don't cancel meeting with the boss, right?

We don't cancel those meetings,
and so just know that.

You.

Important and the time you spend with
yourself is the most important time

that you have and it will breathe
back life into you so that you

can be available for other people.

So I hope that helps.

Heather.

That was a great question.

And when people are submitting
their questions, I always ask

them, what is something you wish
people better understood about

trust, stress, trauma, or behavior?

And I love Heather's input, she said.

They're all intertwined.

Stress, trauma and behavior
are not easily untangled.

It's all tangled up together.

In her opinion, it's often a chicken
and the egg question, did the

stress trigger a trauma behavior or
did the trauma create a stressor?

And I think those are really
good things to think about.

When I work with humans a lot.

It all comes back to the
nervous system, right?

It all comes back to
checking in with your body.

Sitting with your body and really
getting clear about what is happening.

And so for those of you who might be.

Really digging into your own life,
your own stuff, navigating the things

that are stressful in your life.

Just start to sit with your body.

Just spend five minutes a day, which
sometimes is really difficult, by the way.

Five minutes just sitting with yourself,
checking in, taking some deep breaths.

We do an exercise, what
we call, a body check-in.

And I always say, start from the
imagine you have a flashlight.

Start from the top of your head to the.

Tip of your toes and fly, shine
that flashlight all over your body

and just check in with your body.

Do you have a headache?

Are your shoulders tight?

Do you have a tummy ache?

Does your back hurt?

Do your knees hurt?

Do you feel any heaviness
somewhere in your body?

Do you feel stress?

Just start to.

Do that little by little every
day, and you're gonna get

more tuned into your body.

And as you get more tuned into your
body, you are going to start to see

where you carry stress, where you, maybe
you're feeling a traumatic response,

and sometimes those traumatic responses.

You don't know that it's a traumatic
response until you've checked in

with your body over and over and
over and it keeps showing up.

So a couple stories around that.

One, for me personally, I
carry stress right in my back.

I've always had a bad back.

I have pretty significant scoliosis.

And when I am stressed, there's one
specific point in my back where I'm

like, yep, I gotta listen to that.

What am I stressed out about?

When I work with children, what
if they're in elementary kids?

Elementary kids who are carrying a lot
of stress, always wanna go to the nurse.

They have a headache, they have a stomach
ache, and they'll have it every day.

And sometimes you'll say,
where does that headache live?

And you would assume the answer would
be headache, but it's not it their kids.

And it might be that headache
lives in the stomach or the

headache lives in their chest.

And so we start to tune into that.

And over time.

The same answers continue to pop up
and that tells us usually that there's

some traumatic responses happening.

When we hit middle school and high
school, we will see more absences in kids.

They just won't show up to school
because their body is stressed out.

Their body doesn't wanna be there.

I know that as we start to unfold
some of these things, I ask kids, I

ask parents, I ask humans, adults,
what do you notice in your body?

And then I ask these questions
where do you notice it?

What is the shape?

What's the color?

What's the size?

What's the weight?

What's the smell?

What's the texture?

And initially, as you're listening to me.

In this podcast today, you're
in your cortex and that

doesn't make a lot of sense.

But when you're noticing something in
your body, you're going to start to.

Notice the answers to those questions and
you'll get out of your cortex and get into

the lower parts of your brain, which is
where we can start to really help navigate

those stress slash trauma responses.

I had a young lady I worked
with, she came to me nonverbal.

She was a teenager and she wasn't speaking
a lot, and we started with just these

basic questions and she always had a
black circle in her stomach and over time.

That Black circle morphed into a black
heavy circle, a black heavy circle that

you know smelled and what did we do?

And over time, she was able to
really offer a lot more input based

on focusing on her sensory system
and what was happening in her body.

And so I encourage you to not
necessarily dive into, is this a trauma?

Is this a stress?

Trigger what trauma,
behavior, stress trigger?

What came first?

Just noticing your body and
what does your body need?

Sometimes your body needs to move.

Sometimes your body needs to cry.

Sometimes your body needs to push
something or run or jump, and

the more we start to listen to
our body and honor our bodies.

The more we move through
whatever that response might be.

So huge shout out to Heather.

I have another listener question today.

This one comes from Lori,
and what a great question.

How do I stay balanced when
my kids' emotions and actions

are all over the place?

Whew.

How many of you can feel
that in like your soul?

Co-regulation is a
strategy, but it's also a.

It's a critical component of relationship
and there's lots of information out

on the internet around co-regulation.

If you type it in, it's super important.

Robin Gobel does a lot of
information about co-regulation.

Ginger Healy talks about co-regulation.

If you've hung out with me very much.

We've had a lot of conversations
about co-regulation, and

co-regulation is really about.

My kid, my partner, another person
that's not me, might be getting

on this rollercoaster of emotion.

I do not have to get on the
rollercoaster with them.

I don't have to match
their energy and emotion.

I don't have to be dysregulated.

I can watch the rollercoaster
and I can stay regulated.

And regulated does not always mean calm,
and depending on the age of your kiddo,

you know that teenager rollercoaster can
be really difficult to just stay regulated

and watch, because teenagers behaviors
tend to be a little bit more risky, right?

They might.

Be running away.

They might be using drugs,
they might be trying alcohol.

They might be telling you to F off.

They might be doing things that
feel a lot more risky and are more

risky, and so that tends to lead us
down a road where we might want to.

Over respond or overreact
to keep them safe.

And what actually we know to be true
according to science is that when we

stay regulated and we stay in our,
with access to our whole brain, we

can make more reasonable decisions.

We can offer empathy.

We can deescalate a
situation quicker and sooner.

And that's really difficult
to do when we're scared.

When we're scared of what.

Their behavior may lead to when
we're scared that I've worked

with teens for a long time.

I've had several suicidal
teens in my life personally,

professionally, and it's scary.

The risks are really big.

And so we wanna make sure we know what
we need to do to regulate ourselves

so that we can show up with the most.

Brain power on board for our kids.

Now, some of you might be parenting
younger kids that also feel

just as dramatic toddlers, six
year olds, eight year olds, they

can throw some pretty big fits.

They can throw big fits in public places,
and that can feel really embarrassing.

And what I'll remember, what I
want you to remember is that.

It Oftentimes, our kids are
throwing a fit, having big emotions,

expressing their feelings in really
big ways because we set a boundary.

We said the word no.

We told them they had to
be home at a certain time.

We set a boundary, and that
emotional response is often

related to a boundary that.

Is very much difficult for them
to accept, and so they're going

to have an emotional reaction.

It's very predictable.

When we set a boundary, an emotional
response is going to happen,

and on the other side of that
emotion, emotional response is an

acceptance of that boundary Friends.

I am an adult in my late
forties, and I hate the word no.

Every time I hear the word no,
someone's trying to rain on my parade.

I have an emotional response.

I may not be kicking and screaming and
throwing a fit, but I am definitely

having an internal emotional response.

So we should expect that our
children are also going to have that.

That's a really critical
component of development.

For those of you who are working
with raising caregiving for kids

who come from hard places or kids
who have historical trauma, right?

Maybe they're adopted, maybe
it's a kinship placement.

Maybe they're gone through a divorce.

Maybe they've experienced COVID
and they're still adjusting.

There's a lot of things
our kids go through that.

Can also play into these
emotional responses.

So I tell people often that
their behavior is not personal.

And that's really difficult.

It's really, really difficult
to remember that, especially

when it feels so personal.

So to be clear, friends, I too
am a parent and I've had my own

parenting wins and my own parenting
fails, and sometimes it's personal.

I can tell you all day long that it's not
personal and I know it feels personal.

And the best thing we can do
is figure out what we need in

our lives to stay regulated.

Do we need to make sure that
we're exercising every single day?

Do we need to make sure
that we're hydrated?

Do we need to make sure
we're eating appropriately?

Especially if we're loving
people through a big crisis?

When kids are younger, the
crisis tends to last for minutes

or hours when kids get older.

Those crises can last for days
and weeks and months, and.

It's really hard to stay regulated
for days and weeks and months.

And so pouring into yourself, making
sure you are doing what you need to do to

stay balanced and knowing that emotional
development is a critical component.

Of development in our kids
is really, really important.

And so I love this question.

I appreciate it so much.

When I asked the question,
what is something you wish

people better understood about
stress, trauma, and behavior?

Lori's response was great.

She explained her situation and that
she is the supporting cast, meaning,

she is not a biological parent.

And I wanna say to the supporting cast.

That are listening, you are critical to
the emotional regulation and emotional

support for the kids that you are loving.

I happen to be married to a wonderful man
who is a beautiful stepfather and there

have been some tension moments for sure.

There have been times it's been really
difficult, but when you are a bonus

parent stepparent, you're choosing to
love kids that are not biologically yours.

There is something very important in
that because it's a choice one and two,

you have a different kind of safety
for children that maybe a biological

parent or even an adopted parent might
not have because you're choosing to

be there and kids somehow know that.

And it just know that the supporting
cast piece is critical and don't

underestimate the power of your impact.

You have a beautiful way of
being a resiliency factor.

We know that.

It takes one loving, caring
adult to mitigate a lot of those

adverse childhood experiences.

And when you are a supporting
cast person, that's critical.

And so remember that you are a
resiliency factor and showing up

just as you are is really lovely.

So thanks to Lori for that question.

Really appreciate it.

Keep sending me your questions, friends.

I love answering them.

You can drop them to me
and email stacy@gobu.org.

All right, friends.

Have a great day.